A while back I read an article, a very annoying article, called "I Wouldn't F*** Me: Dating as a Gay Disabled Man." I know writers rarely have control over the headlines that get stuck (I originally mistyped suck, which works equally well) on their pieces. I know that piece was probably titled by some straight normate, but really? REALLY? I'm a queer disabled human, and I know there are a lot of disabled folk out there, queer and unqueer who are ashamed and in denial and self-loathing. I've been that person. It's hard being that person; it's soul-killing. That's a huge part of the reason I'm dedicated to celebrating my wholeness and the wholeness of disabled folk in a world that sees us as incomplete. And that title is just, lord, it's awful. I would f*** me. I DO. It's a joyful, celebratory, freeing thing seeing myself as beautiful and worthy and hot but also way more than hot.
So today I'm going to talk/write about dating while disabled and some things that have been incredibly helpful and healthy for me. If they don't work for you or don't feel like you, that's cool. Take what you like. Throw away anything that doesn't feel like it fits. Lord knows none of this is one size fits all.
I'm always very upfront about my disability. It's right at the top of my OKC profile where I mention that I'm not into hiking or cultural appropriation. Mentioning it straight of the bat saves time and precious, precious energy. I don't have to worry about what prospective partner will think. I don't have to make a big reveal of it later. It's also a great exercise in sifting the wheat from the chaff. The people who see disability as a big, scary, horrible thing that's going to keep them from dating me are generally not people I'd ever want to get involved with. They're cowards. They're fools. They're jerks. I'm not interested.
When someone gets weird or acts ashamed about my disability, they get the door. I'm not as good about this as I want to be, but I get better all the time. I've got years of that ingrained "you need to be very very very grateful that anyone is willing to be around you at all because people who stick around when you're disabled are the holiest of martyrs" BS filling up my brainspace. Years. So this is hard, and I suspect it's hard for everyone. I woke up from a seizure to an ex who was yelling at me (later noticed that this ex was always using the time just after seizures or when I had a migraine and couldn't fight back to lay into me about my flaws). I have a friend whose ex would get angry about her loss of bladder control during seizures. A lot of horrible, abusive people will use disabilities against us. They'll tell us no one else will love us. They'll used societal ableism to prove their own saintliness. They'll use us. They'll hurt us. These aren't good people. These people aren't always partners. They can be family or friends or caretakers. Avoid these people. If you have to take a few years off dating to work on self esteem and boundary issues (because a ton of folks think they can run roughshod over our boundaries), do it. Mental health is more important than dating. Love yourself first.
Community. Community community community. Disability can be incredibly isolating. I spent my twenties feeling like the only woman with epilepsy on the planet. I lived in the armpit of Idaho. I barely knew other people with disabilities, let alone other people with epilepsy. I didn't know much of anything about epilepsy. I couldn't find groups dedicated to epilepsy online. Most blogs I found barely had a post. I felt so alone. But I found other communities that served to tide me over for a while. Feminist groups, queer groups, nerdy groups. I found other people. I moved out of Idaho (it was time--rural life isn't the life for most folks with disabilities. We need a lot of stuff that is only found in urban areas). In the past few years I've found disability groups and learned a ton about academics surrounding disability. I've gotten comfortable with my disabled self. I've accepted that I will probably never be cured and I'm ok with that. Most of my friends are disabled. I think we gravitate to each other. Sorry, normates, you don't get it. This club isn't for you.
Another reason community is essential is that disability is a often a bodily thing--bodily in a way that society might think of as embarrassing or disgusting or shocking. I have no shame about body processes. One of the disability groups I belong to probably is probably 75% poop stories. I've just come to the conclusion that poop is a huge part of disability. If your disability doesn't make or prevent you from pooping, one of the meds you take will. Just about everyone has a "pooping during a hospital stay" story (I have so many. They are so funny. They are so gross). We can also give the best recommendations for laxatives or diarrhea meds or really any other meds. We deal with so much body stuff and often we've had other people deal with our body stuff. It seems normal to talk about and weird that there are people who never, ever talk about these things.
And now part II:
If you are dating or planning on dating or meeting or viewing the dating profile of someone who is disabled and you are not:
Ask yourself if you think you can handle dating someone who is disabled. If you don't think you can at this point, don't start in the first place. You should probably do some reading about disability and you should probably understand that most people are at one point or another disabled (that includes you). But if you just aren't ready, don't start. You are wasting our time. Just like anyone, we'd prefer to be loved by someone who thinks we are lovable.
If you've started dating someone who is disabled and now your brain is exploding from fear and I can't handle this! I didn't understand that disability meant disability and now I have to deal with disability shock, be honest. Be upfront. Don't ghost people, for goodness sake. Don't condescend. This isn't our first rodeo, I can guarantee you. I had one woman break up with me by saying she couldn't handle the disability thing (good start! I love honesty!) and end it by saying that I'd be ok because I have poetry (What? Wait. What? Poetry is a good thing, but has nothing to do with a breakup. Unless it's poetry about a breakup). Remember that we are smart enough to see through that BS. It's not a huge honor that a non-disabled person chose to go on a few dates with us.
If you're in a relationship and your relationship is awesome and you love your partner, that's so cool! Congrats! Relationships are great. Loving partners are great. All relationship advice applies. If either of you feels hurt, acknowledge the hurt. There are awesome books about sex and disability if your relationship is sexual. It's always cool to learn about your partner's disability, but don't talk over them about it (ablesplaining). They're the expert on their body. Avoid ableist slurs and any slurs at all because slurs aren't cool and are hurtful. Remember that you're both human and you're both allowed to have bad days. Neither of you is allowed to be abusive. If you end up breaking up, I'm sorry. Breakups generally suck.
That's it. That's my advice. I hope any of it was useful.
