Failing at Human Interaction

So I have this thing that makes me sad.  When I was in my twenties and living in an area that was extremely conservative and not very (read not at all) disability friendly, I went years without any real human touch.  Occasionally I’d wake up to the paramedics holding me down (that doesn’t count *at all*) or I’d get a hug from my best friend (this probably helped me survive), but I went so long without affectionate, loving (non-sexual) touch that everything seemed so lonely and cold and sad.  I’m a touch-oriented person. It’s how I express love and friendship. It’s not a sex or romance thing; it’s a comfort and affection thing.

The first time I went into the hospital for surgery in my twenties, I was shocked because the nurses touched me.  They bathed me, they held my hand, they talked to me. They treated me like I was human. At that point I think I’d forgotten my humanity, so few people actually treated me like a real human and equal. I got pity, sometimes I got disgust, but I never got equality. And part of me, I’m sure, felt like I deserved that, that I’d done something wrong and this alien status was my punishment; but being treated like a person who deserved affection, who wasn’t scary or weird or somehow contagious did something to me. I felt worthy. For the first time in years I felt worthy.

I think that was the beginning of my journey back to self-acceptance and happiness.

Sometimes I forget that other people legitimately hate to be touched. I know they have their reasons, and I know they have good reasons, and I feel so stupid when I reach out and they shy away. I feel like I’m made of poison again. Remembering that other people aren’t like me and don’t find comfort in the same things I do is something I need to work on because I really hate it when I’m trying to do something kind and feel like I’ve been unspeakably cruel.

I had nightmares about this last night. I woke up feeling stupid and mean, like I just don’t know how to relate to people or show them that I love them, that I want their friendship. I feel stunted.

I don’t know exactly why I’m typing this all out. I know I feel better after writing, and I know I need to reach out. I need to know if anyone else has these feelings, like somehow they got lost along the way and can’t do things right with other humans no matter how much they try. I guess I’m just feeling sad and lonely and self pitying.